I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
