Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
When are your genitals available?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
