Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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