i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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