Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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