He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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