i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
