Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
