i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
