you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
