Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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