and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
