I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
