I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
