We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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