I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
