just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
