So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
