I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Randomize
