i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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