dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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