I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
