well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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