she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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