Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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