the condom got lost in my hair
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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