Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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