Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
