It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
