Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
