i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
