Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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