I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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