I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
