worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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