I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I love having hate sex.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
