I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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