Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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