fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
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I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
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Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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