Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
