I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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