I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
