I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
i now understand why vodka
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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