omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
