I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
