I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
