I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
