I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
