why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
