i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
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No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
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I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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